Caught Beneath The Landslide
by treasure72
Summary: "I don't fancy ya anymore Finn." Lie. "Maybe I never did." What if Rae never went to Finn's house to get him back? What if he came to hers instead? (My Mad Fat Diary)
1. Chapter 1

Rae's POV:

_Knock, knock, knock._ I hear someone at the door, and I sit up from my bed. _Who the fuck could that be?_ I think_. _I walk downstairs to the door, and swing it open.

"Finn, what are ya doing here?" I ask.

"Rae." He says, and I can tell he looks upset.

"What's wrong?" I ask, suddenly worried.

"I-I need to talk to ya," he says, rubbing the back of his neck.

"Come in and sit down. I'll make some tea, alright?" I say, turning around, but he grabs my arm.

"Rae, stop. I need to tell ya now before I convince myself not to," he says.

"Okay." I say, turning my head slightly. "What's wrong? Why are ya actin' mental?"

"I, well ya know how I was talkin' 'bout movin' to Leeds with ya the other day?" He asks.

"Yeah," I say.

"Well, I got in the car to leave. I was just gonn' leave without sayin' bye, because I didn't think I could tell ya bye, Rae. I told myself it'd be too hard, so I was just gon' leave, convinced myself it'd be best." He says, furrowing his eyebrows. "But I couldn't do it, Rae. Not without tellin' ya how I feel."

"Finn, ya don't have to—" I start to say, but he interrupts.

"I do, Rae. I've waited too long 'cause I've been a fuckin' coward." He breathes in, and looks straight into my eyes. I was always jealous of how he could do that, tell people how he felt, and be able to look them straight in the eye, sure of himself.

"I love ya, Rae. I wan' be with ya. If I did somethin' to hurt ya, I didn' mean it. Ya know how I can be sometimes," he says, laughing sadly. "If ya don' wanna be with me, then I don' wanna force ya', but I wanna make it work if you do too. I miss ya, girl."

"It wasn' you, Finn. I still... Well, I jus' don't want ya to think it was your fault. It wasn't. It was me." I say, trying to keep eye contact, but failing, and darting my eyes away.

He looks sad and defeated.

"Look, Rae, just fuckin' tell me if ya don't wan' be with me, alright? Everyone makes that excuse. That _It's not you, it's me _bullshit. Fuck, Rae, I've even used that on girls." He says.

"Finn, I-"

"—No, Rae. Just tell me if ya still want me, and I won't leave. But if ya don't wan' be with me, then tell me, so I can stop wastin' my time if it's not gon' ever happen, alright? I still love ya, Rae," he says, looking heartbroken. "So if ya still love me, tell me now. We'll work everythin' out. We'll find out what's wrong, and we can try and fix it together, alright? But if ya really don't love me anymore, then I'll leave, 'cause I need to get over ya sometime. Not knowing why you broke up with me makes me still think I can fix whatever I messed up, ya know, but if it's because ya don't fancy me anymore, then that's that. I just need to know for sure ya don't want me anymore, 'cause I sure as fuckin' hell want ya, Rae. I can't stop thinkin' about ya." He gulps. "Do ya still want me?"

This was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. (Bumping breaking up with him down to the second). I was a bloody idiot, and I knew it, but what if I could never give him what he wanted? What if he one day cheated on me, because I never satisfied him like I should? Like he does for me? I couldn't deal with the thought. Chloe said that men have to have sex, or they'll leave ya. Finn wasn't like that, but what if he went mad one day, and realized 'Why the fuck am I with her? I could get any fit girl I wanted, why am I wasting my time?'

"Finn..." I say, tears falling from my eyes.

"Rae," he says, and I hear his voice crack, because he knew what was coming. "Please don't." He begs.

"I don't love ya anymore."

"Rae... Ya don't mean it, Rae. You can't mean that," he says, reaching his hand up to cup my face, but I slap it away.

"Finn, I don't love ya, alright?" I say, physically feeling my heart break. I can't breathe, and my bones feel like they're aching. _Well, you've gone and bloody messed everything up again, haven't ya?_

_"Rae." _he says. Even though I'm not looking at his face, I know he's crying."What about the diner? What about the night of the party? You couldn't have just stopped lovin' me so quick, righ'?" He asks, with his eyes full of tears. "Just, please, ya don't mean it. I love ya, Rae, please don't mean that."

"I do, Finn. I mean it." I say quietly. He grabs my face, and presses his lips to mine. Jesus fuck, that boy knew how to kiss. He kissed me so passionately, putting everything he had into it, because he knew this was his last chance. Everything he felt, all of his emotions, and love, and memories, were poured into the kiss. It was so hard not to kiss him back.

"Tell me ya didn't feel anythin', girl," he says, pressing his forehead to mine. "Tell me ya don't still love me, Rae." He says. I can feel him shaking against me, and it sends chills up my spine.

"I didn' feel anythin'. I don't fancy ya anymore Finn." Lie. "Maybe I never did." Even bigger lie. If I was going to break up with him for good, I wanted him to hate me. I wanted him to get over me, and I never wanted to see him again, as painful as that was, because it would bring everything back. And I definitely didn't want that. I wanted him to be happy, and that meant getting over me.

He backs away from me, and looks at the ground. He nods, still not looking at me, and the look of pure heartbreak was the worst thing to deal with. He stops crying, and his face goes blank, like Finn's not even here anymore. Just a body that looks like his.

"Bye, Rae. I'm sorry I made ya cry ya know? I should have left everythin' be. I— Maybe I'll see ya soon." He says, and walks out the door. He doesn't slam it, and he doesn't slam his car door either. That's when I realize that I want to hate him for not hating me. But I can't. That's the person who I fell in love with, and it's the person I'm still in love with, and I just ruined it.


	2. Chapter 2

_How fucking mental was I? I love Finn so much, and he was just at my door begging for me. Maybe I'm more ill than I thought. _

I walked up the stairs, and laid down on the bed. After crying for a bit, I get up, and look out the window, because I still haven't heard his car leave. Finn's still parked outside of my house, with his head against the steering wheel. I'm sure he's cryin'. After a few seconds of debating, I sigh, and walk downstairs. I don't know if this will ruin everything, but it was me who made him cry, and it was me who upset him, and I needed to fix that. He looks up for a second at me while I open the door, but he quickly turns away, looking out the window. That hurt more than I expected it to.

I sit down next to him in the car, and there's nothing but silence for what seems like forever.

"You're makin' it worse for me, Rae." He says, still not looking at me. "It's best if we don' see each other anymore. When I come back here and visit, I don' wanna see ya when I meet up with the gang. It'll be too hard."

"Finn, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt ya." I sigh.

"I know, Rae. I feel like a proper dick sayin' that to ya, because I know that's how ya feel, and ya can't help that, but I can' see ya anymore. I just can' do it, Rae. It'll mess everythin' up."

"I just wish we could be friends." I say quietly.

"Well, we can't!" He says, raising his voice, and finally turning to look at me. "Now, since I bloody messed everythin' up, we can' even be mates anymore! Brilliant, aren't I?" He laughs coldly.

"It's not your fault, Finn. Please don't think that." I say, crying again. _Bloody hell. _

"But it is, isn't it? You don' love me anymore. I must've done somethin' to make you feel that way, right? Ya know, the worst thing is that I don't hate ya. I want to fuckin' hate ya Rae, so I can get over ya, but I bloody can't do it." He says, slamming his hand against the steering wheel.

"I took ya for granted, girl. I should've treated ya better. I was gonna take you on a proper date the night ya broke it off with me, 'cause I'd finally saved up enough. Maybe that would've changed your mind. If I just could've saved up a day earlier, maybe it would've gone different, ya know?" He says, turning to look out the window.

"It wouldn't have, Finn." I say, watching him. He squeezes his eyes shut, and bites at his bottom lip, trying to hold back his tears. I was about to be sick, knowing I'd done this to someone. He treated me better than anyone ever has, and I hate that I'm letting him believe that he's treated me bad.

"Come here." I say, holding my arms out to hug him, but he turns away.

"Get out, Rae. I'm sorry, but ya have to leave. I can't hug ya. I just can't." He says, looking at me again with sad eyes. I loved him. I loved him so much, and I couldn't take it anymore. Oh well if I couldn't have sex with him for a while. Finn will understand. Of course Finn will understand, he's _Finn_. He loves me.

"I can't do this anymore." I say under my breath. I grab his face, and quickly lean in to kiss him. I detach my lips from his, and his eyes are still closed, as I press my forehead to his. His hand settles on top of mine, holding onto it tightly.

"Please only kiss me if ya mean it, Rae." He says, his voice shaking. "I really need ya to mean it."

We're both breathing hard, our eyes closed. One of his hands are gripping my jacket tightly, and the other is still on top of my hand. I knew it was going to be shit having to explain why I broke up with him, or why I told him I didn't love him, when I still do. But we would deal with it. Somehow we would. I knew it.

"I mean it. I really mean it this time, Finn." I answer.

I'm sure I'll regret this when the day comes that our kissing goes too far, and the fear comes back to me. But I love him, and he loves me, and we'll figure out the rest together. Because that's what people that are in love do.


End file.
